Soul searching, Realisation

Hey Ken, if you're reading this, thanks alot. really. Nobody else has put things in that way before, and I'm willing to try things out. (goodness I'm so sorry you still have a chi paper tmr)

Think I'll have to start accepting reality and face it - the results for promos would be absolutely hopeless. Not enough to bring me to J2.

Come on, what was I thinking, getting promoted just with a week of study (and not very productive too) and an entire year of not concentrating (sleeping in class, fooling around and not doing homework)? Ridiculous.

If you've been like me, lets all face this fact. There's NOTHING we can do now but make the best sense of what we've got now. The best isn't to just hope for the best, its to be mentally prepared and I'm sure this fact would slowly sink in.



If I were to get promoted, congratulations, time for me to find THAT thing, pick myself up, find that drive and not let things accumulate any longer.

If I don't, I'll have to take some time to adjust myself all over again, I'll miss the friends I've made this year, I'll have to face those stares from people, I'll have to not care so much about what the others say,

I'll have to not think about how I've wasted a year, not regret what I've did this year but to start doing what is right. Ignore people who think retainees are just stupid for wasting their time away, not think so much about how I've disappointed myself and others.

.....plus a whole list of that.



I'll really miss the new friends I've made this year. & I don't know how I'm supposed to continue communicating with my secondary school friends this way. Thinking about these make me scared. It'll definitely help me to put myself in others' shoes and understand better, I guess. Imagine doing your A's when your friends are all in university. Sigh.


& one more thing, I feel like I've disappointed all my teachers. This year, I've received quite alot of feedback from teachers saying that I'll seriously do very well if I actually focus and try harder.

Honestly, I'm quite surprised they say that, as much as I know this isn't like RJC or whatever. Nobody ever says those words to me in my old school, maybe because they're all very smart but whatever. Point is, what they've said is driving me crazy.

It brings my confidence up a little bit, but just on the surface. Because the very thing making me lose confidence isn't about not believing in my abilities, but the causes of my disbelief in things I do. Do I make sense here? I haven't truly understood myself just yet.

It drives me crazy to know that I'm STILL not concentrating after they've said those, that I'm bloody wasting my freaking time not studying but there's no freaking thing I can do. Because I'm too bloody weak. Because I give up too easily and because I set impossible goals for myself and give up after the first step when it doesn't seem right.



I'm a coward. I keep running away from things, I keep doing whatever I feel like doing, I keep giving up when i don't get the first step right (like, who does right).

I need discipline. Loads and loads and loads of it. & nobody can tell me to study besides myself (I understood that point but still haven't found the drive)

I'll keep reminding myself that things might not necessarily turn out right the first, second or third time. But if I continue trying, striving, and be determined to meet my goal (which I'll have to find within the course of this week), I'll improve. I'm sure I'll improve if I do that.

No excuses. I'm not going to make it like a promise to myself because that wouldn't work. I'll just continue looking forward and press on.





First things first, I'll have to try to find out what I want to do.

What do I want in life?
I don't know yet. Not at this moment, I don't.


Just what the hell should I do with myself at this point in time?
I won't let my feelings govern my life.
(actually, I kinda like the fact that I let my feelings rule me. Because its spontaneous and keeps me satisfied. But maybe I should make exceptions for this case)



Too bad I've realised too late.

well, I shouldn't think about that anymore.